Two Remarkable Stories of Growing up in Cults told with Humor and Compassion

Presented By

Esther Royer Ayers, a former Old Order Mennonite

and Richard E. Kelly, a former Jehovah's Witnesses

See picture on photos page

I, Esther Royer Ayers, the author of Rolling Down Black Stockings: A Passage Out of the Old Order Mennonite Community grew up in a typical lifestyle of an Old Order Mennonite (OOM) girl.  I would be an OOM grandmother today with probably 50 plus grandchildren had it not been for 2 events that happened early in my life.  These two events are:

1.  The one-room school that served my community was closed due to inferior education – and I was forced to attend public school.  I would never enjoy the good education I do today, had this incident not occurred.

2.  My mother became disenchanted with the OOM religion, for reasons I explain in the book – and moved her 8 children out of that religion to Akron, Ohio.  I am 17 at the time.

The theme throughout my book is:  I am different.  I was not born different.  I was made different by a religion: the Old Order Mennonites.

Rolling Down Black Stockings is a metaphor for the subtitle: A Passage Out of the Old Order Mennonite Religion.  It also is something I did as a child.  For remember, I am in public school, which places me in a classroom filled with “fancy girls”.  And they wear the prettiest white Bobby Socks.  I roll down my black stockings and pretend they are socks for I want to be like them.  And it makes me feel good.  So the book title comes from this activity as well.

We were taught to keep our religion a secret from the outside world.  Don’t talk about it, we were cautioned.  And never, never, never write about it.  Words such as these make you feel ashamed of who you are. 

And it worked.  By the time I leave the religion at seventeen, I am a walking bundle of shame.  I told no one about my background.  In essence, this shame kept me loyal to the Old Order Mennonite religion by locking me within my emotional mind.

So how could I write this memoir?  Frankly, I would not have been able to, had a third event not entered my life.  This third event is that I went to college.  I didn’t go to college until my forties, but it gave me the self confidence to leave my isolated world and walk into your world.

With this confidence I took writing classes and searched for answers.  And I wrote about those secrets I was not allowed to tell.  I wrote about them in a book.  And ah, it was like I was rolling down my black stockings again – and it felt good.

But today we are talking about growing up in a cult.  And let me say this:  I have been reluctant to call Old Order Mennonites a cult.  They are my relatives, after all.  And some of you today will say: Esther, why are you calling them a cult?  They’re just a sect.

Well not so long ago, Spring 2008 to be exact, and incident occurred that smacked me in the face.  It happened in El Dorado, Texas.  This incident moved me from point Z, like in asleep – to point A, like in awake.  That’s the day when 450 children were removed from the Fundamental Latter Days Saints’ (FLDS) compound.  Do you remember that incident?  News media covered it for months.

What smacked me in the face was the dress the Moms were wearing.  They were wearing MY DRESS!!  (See photo on this website).  Now I think you’ll agree that you can’t go to Macy’s and buy a pretty dress like this.  You have to sew it.

TV media called it a prairie dress.  Maybe so.  But I know it as the dress I wore in my youth, and I know it as the dress Old Order Mennonite girls are wearing today.  So I wondered, what gives?

I began reading books about FLDS and the books said they were a religious cult.

Then I read Cults in our Midst by Dr. Margaret Singer, the authority in cults.  She said this:  If your religion weakens you, it is a cult; if it strengthens you, it is a religion.

Ah, so that was it.  Story after story in Rolling Down Black Stockings is about this weakening.  All the rules and regulations I have to obey made me different all right.  They weakened me so I’d never be able to leave the religion.

This happened in the Spring 2008.  Then in Fall 2008 a most wonderful thing happened.  It was then the Tucson Festival of Books asked if I would like to be paired with Richard E. Kelly, and that he had written a book about growing up in Jehovah’s Witnesses (JW).  

I was immediately intrigued for I knew JW was a religious cult.  Heavens! I’d been taught to never answer their knocks at our door.  So, would I like to present with Richard?  Indeed I would!

I then read Dick’s book Growing Up in Mama’s Club for the first time in November 2008 – and noticed all the commonalities we shared.  (See www.RichardEKelly.com)

Okay, he grew up in Los Angeles and I grew up in Northeastern Ohio.  And okay, he grew up as Jehovah’s Witnesses and I grew up Old Order Mennonite.  And okay, he’s a few years younger than I am.  Nevertheless, our books are loaded with commonalities of DO NOTS.  

This amazed me, for my childhood religion taught me we were unique.  Weren’t we the only ones who had to live a harsh life here on earth?  Weren’t we the only ones going to heaven? 

And even stranger is the fact that Dick and I respond to these commonalities in the same way.  In essence we write one story!  So really, what gives?

If you live in the Tucson, Arizona, area, Esther and Richard are available to share their remarkable story of growing up in cults with your group.  Please contact me by sending me an email.