Question 1 begins with a declarative statement that Rhoda’s parents are “deeply” religious. 

(a) asks for distinctive examples of their faith.  Answer:  An example of wife’s submission to hubby appears early in the book.  Rhoda’s mother is busy in the kitchen making Zwieback when her husband barks, “Come here sweetie.  See this!”  (I’ve paraphrased the command, but not its connotation.)  Her mother immediately stops kitchen duties and rushes into the office.  The reason for the summons was that hubby found something on the internet.

THE DEEPLY RELIGIOUS PART of this example is that a Mennonite wife is to obey her husband at all times.  As you can see, obedience is instantaneous.  Rhoda's mother doesn't say, "I'm up to my elbows in flour.  I can't come right now."  There are many instances throughout the memoir that show this instantaneous obedience.  Is this an example of learned behavior, or is this an example of a Mennonite woman being afraid of her husband?

(b) asks what qualities you admire in Rhoda's mother.  Answer:  This question demands a personal, individualized answer.  Speaking for myself, however, I admire her mother’s cheerful slant that she puts on everything, even if it doesn’t make sense.  It’s like she serves all “discomforts” with a spoonful of sugar.  Does she ever get mad?  I grew up Mennonite until seventeen, and I have never heard one Mennonite woman raise her voice to a man.  I have seen the women get angry with their children, however.

(c) asks if you learned anything that surprised you.  Answer:  In the incident above where Rhoda’s father barks at her mother, his bark also interrupts Rhoda’s writing work.  It irritates Rhoda, but she puts her work aside and answers the call as well.  I’m surprised that Rhoda never connects her dad’s behavior, and her reaction to it, to how she relates with and reacts to her husband, Nick.

Question 2 is in regard to Rhoda’s family gatherings during the Christmas holiday.  (a) What do you think of the family’s interactions as described in Rhoda’s memoir?  Answer: Rhoda enters the Christmas festivities and get-togethers with preset resentments and expectations.  And they come true.  Perhaps we all do this.  It’s something we can examine and try not to do at next year’s festivities. 

(b) Considering the differences between Rhoda and her siblings, are you surprised at how well they groove together?  Answer:  Mennonite siblings learn as toddlers that they’ll have to bond together to face the harsh and evil world.  It’s part of the Mennonite “separation from the world" doctrine.

Question 3 is a general question regarding the fact that Rhoda’s ex-husband left her for a gay guy.  Should she be surprised, considering that she knew he was bisexual before she ever married him?

(a) The question posed is whether I thought differently about Rhoda and Nick’s marriage because of this information.  Answer:  Not at all.  Rhoda, raised to be subjective and passive, would most likely attract a mate who needed to be in full control.  The guy could be straight or gay, and the results would be the same, for it's Rhoda's needs that are being fulfilled.  We see many instances in the memoir of where Rhoda seethes and steams, but she can’t, or is afraid to tell Nick what is wrong.

(b) Was I bothered that such information was dribbled throughout the book?  Answer:  Not at all.  Dribbling information is what every good writer does, for we have certain information we want to give you and want to keep you reading until the very end.

Question 4 asks if Rhoda’s reflection on her childhood leads to her maturity. 

(a)  Am I surprised that Rhoda is able to identify times when she’s embarrassed because she’s different, such as with her school lunch?  Am I shocked that, as an adult, Rhoda likes the same school-lunch food?  Answer:  No.  The element of being different has been removed when Rhoda is an adult, and has nothing to do with growing up.  If Rhoda thinks about it, I’ll bet there are many things she does as an adult simply to avoid being different.  We all do this.  It’s the condition of being human. 

(b) The question asked is if Rhoda learns from telling stories about her childhood.  Perhaps the question is whether storytelling will enable Rhoda to be more discriminate in picking a future husband.  Rhoda values falling in love more than compatibility.  Is this wrong or right?  It’s a value assessment that only you can answer.  A person learns through telling stories about childhood only if they understand the underlying dynamics.  As Rhoda's memoir progresses, there is a story about her date with a 27-year-old grandson of a friend of Rhoda's mother.  Read this story for the answer to this question.

Question 5 notes that Mennonites have a host of “do nots” such as dancing, drinking alcohol, innocent toys and new innovations.  Rhoda lists quite a few things she was not allowed to do as a child.  And toys as innocent as Lite-Brites were forbidden.  Why are Mennonites against such things?  Answer:  Mennonites are separatists, isolationists, and elitists.  They believe they are the only true religion and the only ones going to heaven.  Their list of “do-nots” is to separate their children from mainstream populations.  In actuality, it makes their children afraid to ever leave.

(a)  What positive gains did Rhoda’s family harvest by being against such worldly influences?  Answer:  Her family gains when the children stay in the religion for social and religious reasons.  Don’t forget that Mennonites believe they are the only ones going to heaven.

(b)  What negative aspects did Rhoda and her siblings experience because of such shelter from the world?  Answer:  Rhoda discusses fears of puberty, fears that a worldly man will hurt her, and fears she can't measure up in dancing, in sports.  Fear shows in her marriage to Nick, for Rhoda is insecure and unsure of how a "wife of the world" should act.  She's subservient and allows Nick to drive their "marriage train."  Even when she knows he's driving it into a ditch, she is unable to speak up to him and give him advice.

Question 6 deals with limiting the education of children, as practiced by some Mennonites.  My childhood religion (Old Order Mennonite) required that we quit school after the eighth grade.  Higher education is not needed for farm work or the duties of a farmwife, we were told.  Higher education makes one prideful, we were also told.  (a) So, the question asked is about higher education making one less religious.  Does it?  Answer:  Attaining knowledge has nothing to do with religion.  Please!  Would God not want a well-educated individual upon this earth to serve His needs?  A religion that limits a child’s education hobbles the child in such a way that he/she can never leave the religion.  This is horribly cruel!  As you can gather by my comments, limiting a child’s education disturbs me immensely.

Question 7 regards Rhoda’s mother’s sunny disposition in all circumstances.  Rhoda does not think she is upbeat.  Is she?  What do you think of her humor?  Answer:  Rhoda’s mother’s sunny disposition in all circumstances and Rhoda’s humor are one and the same.  People present themselves to the world in various ways to ease the stress they feel inside.

Question 8 asks about Rhoda’s marriage problems, which Rhoda openly addresses in her memoir.  Nick treats her poorly, yet Rhoda admits she probably would still have married him, knowing that ahead of time.  Rhoda says she loved him and that is what counts.  Do I believe this?  Answer:  This is the problem in many abusive marriages, isn't it? It makes people groan when they see a girl return time after time to an abusive husband.  "But I love him," she says.  You can say the same about cigarettes: "I love, love, love you!  You make me feel so good!"  Or alcohol, "I love the way you make me feel." 

In an attempt to reassess her reasons for loving Nick, Rhoda writes her own AA list.  Her list, unfortunately, deteriorates into an Entertainment TV segment.

Question 9is about a list that Rhoda and Hannah make up as men they would refuse to date.  Men with certain names, etc..  The question then is about what my list would consist of.  Answer:  Please, this is so tactless.  If men did this, I’m sure no one would want to date an Esther.

Question 10: poses a question regarding faith.  Rhoda’s mother says, and I’m quoting here, “When you’re young, faith is often a matter of rules…but as you get older, you realize that faith is really a matter of relationship—with God, with the people around you, with members of your community?”  Do you think Rhoda embraces the same relationship with faith?  Answer:  Rhoda experiences faith through a relationship with God, but worships religion not through a structured religion, but through acknowledging the splendor of God’s creation: nature.  I find myself experiencing religion through the wonder of nature as well.  I’m humbled as I realize the possibility of some magnificent creator who is responsible for my existence and my experience upon this earth, and this magnificent creator is responsible for all plants and animals, my fellow passengers upon earth at this particular time and place.

Question 11 asks if I believe in destiny.  And asks if one can one ever change roots or beliefs.  Answer:  No!  No, no.  I believe psychologists say that as you are at five, so shall you be at fifty-five.  This is not to say that as you mature, you can’t change your beliefs and strengthen your weaknesses, but you can never change your roots.  Neither can one change the pages of one’s diary at five, whether written or unwritten.  The weather will be the same, and what happened on that day will  be the same.  One can, however, embrace and cherish the specific uniqueness that each of us has.  It’s the gift that evolution gives to each of us.

My Question 12: So, what did you think?  Do you think Rhoda’s little black dress lived up to its responsibilities?  Each of you will have to answer for yourself.

(a) Did you like Rhoda’s memoir?  Answer: I give Rhoda’s memoir four stars out of five.  Rhoda, openly and honestly discusses her childhood religion and how it influenced her life.  When a memoir is honest, we can relate it to ourselves and grow through it.  But we can never grow where there is secrecy and deceit. 

I take one star away because Rhoda wrote her memoir in graphic Entertainment TV style, but give Rhoda four stars for her interesting and honest memoir.  Her book lends itself to a most interesting book discussion.  Enjoy – and value the knowledge you can harvest through reading books.

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